I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
