i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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