i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Pooping to opera.
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