My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Randomize
