Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
