I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
