I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
