I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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