she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
