Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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