Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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