i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize