If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
