He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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