Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
