At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize