I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
