i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
