i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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