I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
