i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
