I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
