were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just high enough for therapy.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
