In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
