You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
