god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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