and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
