i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
