you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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