Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
