I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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