I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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