I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
