I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
