I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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