I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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