Need sex. Gaining weight.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
