gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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