I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
