One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
