genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize