im drinking this country out of the recession.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
