I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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