Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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