she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
