Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
