he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
