Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
