I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
