i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
