My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
