i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
