Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
