i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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