How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
