he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Dicks are not precious.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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