She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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