I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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